unchained and chained to another
Feb. 13th, 2025 10:21 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
purplekale i broke free from the chains of a crush only to dive head first into another. im not even sure anymore about anything and ive been giving everything to God lately because all i can rely is on HIm for everything i can't trust my emotions or much of anyone. i regret telling so many people about him and how we have been talking. i doubt that he likes me back sometimes because i see that he talks to two other girls and i feel like sometimes they like him too so i feel awkward and weird like maybe he texts them too? but then he does text me separately at times and mentions things to the group but also does a side conversation with me. i have no idea and anytime i feel like im being to weird or too forward he doesn't make me feel like it too much but i have no idea. im so scared of getting rejected again because i know this one would really hurt if he did.
we just talk on the phone and a group call at times and share music with each other and play games together but when i see him in person he seems so shy and awkward. maybe he is afraid too. i hope things go well at the winter retreat if i dont screw it up before then and confess to him. i really was going to confess to him tonight if we played roblox together again but it was his brother's bday so he couldn't. i hope that maybe i'll get another chance.
tomorrow is valentines day and i wanna bake cookies for everyone and hand them out. he's going driving with his friend. im too chicken to say anything or do anything. im too chicken fro anything. the other night i went with intentions to try to flirt with him by holding his arm because it's something i really want to do but all i could do was stand really close to him and thats it. how dumb.
and then he wore a hat and talked about it so i looked at his hat and then accidently looked at his face and my heart dropped i still have the image of him being close and looking directly in my eyes burned into my mind and i feel like crying. why am i like this?
it's not even a big deal i told God that if He wants to take him away or close that door He can and i'll have no hesitation and i almost expect it but he has still shown the same enthusiasm. it scares me in a way.
why do i like him? well let me list the ways:
Lord, my Heavenly Father I come before you about this man in my life right now. If You will bless it and be glorified through it, please allow us to be in a romantic relationship. if it is not of You i dont want it Lord. take him away if it isn't meant to be for me because i know that whatever You say is what is the best. help guide me in this Lord in every decision i make and every word i speak Lord. i come to You not only as Lord of Lords and Kings of Kings but as my Heavenly Father who has been there for me through out all my other trials and past heartaches. only You know who would be the best man for me if You wish for me to have one at all Lord. i just praise and thank you that even if nothing does come out of this, i know i have been growing and abiding in You exponentially. i can reflect on this time Lord as when I learned my reliance on You and Your guidance and ways. thank you for all the blessings You have provided for me and i pray that i continue seeking You and Your face throughout it all and become that woman of God You want me to be. also it's unrelated to this topic but i want to pray fro my internship Lord and my future career on what You want me to do and pursue because i currently feel very lost and don't know what to do so i seek Your guidance on my career and this romantic relationship Lord. let Your will be done, AMEN.
we just talk on the phone and a group call at times and share music with each other and play games together but when i see him in person he seems so shy and awkward. maybe he is afraid too. i hope things go well at the winter retreat if i dont screw it up before then and confess to him. i really was going to confess to him tonight if we played roblox together again but it was his brother's bday so he couldn't. i hope that maybe i'll get another chance.
tomorrow is valentines day and i wanna bake cookies for everyone and hand them out. he's going driving with his friend. im too chicken to say anything or do anything. im too chicken fro anything. the other night i went with intentions to try to flirt with him by holding his arm because it's something i really want to do but all i could do was stand really close to him and thats it. how dumb.
and then he wore a hat and talked about it so i looked at his hat and then accidently looked at his face and my heart dropped i still have the image of him being close and looking directly in my eyes burned into my mind and i feel like crying. why am i like this?
it's not even a big deal i told God that if He wants to take him away or close that door He can and i'll have no hesitation and i almost expect it but he has still shown the same enthusiasm. it scares me in a way.
why do i like him? well let me list the ways:
- he is super funny and has similar humor, we like the same memes and stuff although sometimes he likes dad jokes which i have to force myself to laugh at them but hey that's how it is
- he is christian although im unsure of how his walk with the lord is, he encourages me though in when we had a conversation about ministry and he claims to read his bible, i still want to learn more about him and his testimony and how he believes God is moving in him
- he is starting to serve on the media team with me and i nearly want to die inside because he complimented me when i was directing even though its super embarrassing for me. it makes him attractive to me that he does like media and cameras and video production and music.
- HIS MUSIC TASTE he has a similar one and doesn't judge my weird songs that i like and adds them to his own playlist when he does like them. i hope that i can get him to do a spotify blend with me or a separate playlist from our group playlist someday i'd really like that
- he likes watching movies which is the bare minimum but he watched Me before You and we had a discussion about it which was fun. i find that attractive because i really like talking about movies and dissecting them with people, he is seeing the new captain america movie right now with red hulk and i want to ask him what his thoughts are on it just so i can gauge his tastes a little more
- he also is just a really kind and genuine person who cares about others and can hold a conversation. he remembers little things about people and brings them up in a conversation. i can tell he could be a reflection of Christ's love if he really chose to be and hopefully could serve more in discipleship and stuff like that.
- he makes me wanna be a better person and woman of God, i feel myself turning to God with every little thing with him and i've been relying on God for every time the thought of him comes into my head. he also doesn't belittle me for my walk with the Lord and supports me whenever i talk about God.
- i get embarrassed around him but he does make me feel comfortable in being myself. i dont feel like i have to change myself around him or put up a front. i can be weird and sing randomly or reference a meme or dance after taking a bite of food and he wont treat me weird for it. we also have moments where we will say the same thing or think the same thing. it feels like he can read my mind at times it's crazy.
- he has a good relationship with his family and sister although sometimes his sister seems pretty clingy i like her a lot and they both are fun to be around when together. he mentioned also about learning to cook and do household chores which is a huge factor in something id want in someone. i want someone who does know how to cook and clean and wont just sit around all day and be lazy (even though i need to work more on that myself it's a work in progress)
Lord, my Heavenly Father I come before you about this man in my life right now. If You will bless it and be glorified through it, please allow us to be in a romantic relationship. if it is not of You i dont want it Lord. take him away if it isn't meant to be for me because i know that whatever You say is what is the best. help guide me in this Lord in every decision i make and every word i speak Lord. i come to You not only as Lord of Lords and Kings of Kings but as my Heavenly Father who has been there for me through out all my other trials and past heartaches. only You know who would be the best man for me if You wish for me to have one at all Lord. i just praise and thank you that even if nothing does come out of this, i know i have been growing and abiding in You exponentially. i can reflect on this time Lord as when I learned my reliance on You and Your guidance and ways. thank you for all the blessings You have provided for me and i pray that i continue seeking You and Your face throughout it all and become that woman of God You want me to be. also it's unrelated to this topic but i want to pray fro my internship Lord and my future career on what You want me to do and pursue because i currently feel very lost and don't know what to do so i seek Your guidance on my career and this romantic relationship Lord. let Your will be done, AMEN.
