life is confusing
Nov. 19th, 2024 03:41 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
purplekaleWell I haven't posted again in a long time and I just really need to get better at journaling and just being more consistent in self-care and stuff. It's hard because I want to but then I get distracted or my habit doesn't build up into one. I'm trying to go to the gym and maintaining a skincare routine and hair care routine and normal routine, reading my bible, reading in general, keeping up with hobbies and same time doing chores and other things but most days I am just so exhausted I cant do anything.
Anyways I had a menty b the beginning of October and ended up spilling my guts out about a lot of things to my mom and I feel some relief but I still have struggles and I don't know what to do to be honest. I think I want to see if I can go to counseling/therapy at this specific place that specializes in the kind of trauma I have. It's supposedly free but idk. I did get the phone I've always wanted so that is pretty cool. I just want a new laptop now and to be able to own my own car.
Things have been such a rollercoaster this year sometimes I feel like dying and other times I'm so happy and excited to do new things. It's confusing to me.
About the crush, I have come to terms mostly that he doesn't like me back and I don't want to like him back. I'm trying to give space and stay away even though I find myself searching for him everywhere and looking out for him when it doesn't even matter. SO corny and weird. I wish I never told anyone too because now that some people know it's hard for me to get over it because I think they are holding onto that idea that I have a crush on that person even when I'm trying to get rid of my feelings. I hate that I'm this way with every single person I'm attracted to where I just suppress it all inside and get crushes on people who so clearly don't like me back. Some part of me always has wishful thinking and hoping that I'd have a chance but it's not actual reality.
Someday I'll be healed. Someday I won't worry if someone likes me or not. Someday I'll feel completely and wholly loved by someone without fearing they will leave or have conditional love for me.
I have faith that will be true it's just hard to witness everyone have it but me. Sometimes it makes me feel broken and defective. I shouldn't place my value as a human in relationships or validation but it's too hard not to when that's what the entire world tells you. Oh well.
Anyways I had a menty b the beginning of October and ended up spilling my guts out about a lot of things to my mom and I feel some relief but I still have struggles and I don't know what to do to be honest. I think I want to see if I can go to counseling/therapy at this specific place that specializes in the kind of trauma I have. It's supposedly free but idk. I did get the phone I've always wanted so that is pretty cool. I just want a new laptop now and to be able to own my own car.
Things have been such a rollercoaster this year sometimes I feel like dying and other times I'm so happy and excited to do new things. It's confusing to me.
About the crush, I have come to terms mostly that he doesn't like me back and I don't want to like him back. I'm trying to give space and stay away even though I find myself searching for him everywhere and looking out for him when it doesn't even matter. SO corny and weird. I wish I never told anyone too because now that some people know it's hard for me to get over it because I think they are holding onto that idea that I have a crush on that person even when I'm trying to get rid of my feelings. I hate that I'm this way with every single person I'm attracted to where I just suppress it all inside and get crushes on people who so clearly don't like me back. Some part of me always has wishful thinking and hoping that I'd have a chance but it's not actual reality.
Someday I'll be healed. Someday I won't worry if someone likes me or not. Someday I'll feel completely and wholly loved by someone without fearing they will leave or have conditional love for me.
I have faith that will be true it's just hard to witness everyone have it but me. Sometimes it makes me feel broken and defective. I shouldn't place my value as a human in relationships or validation but it's too hard not to when that's what the entire world tells you. Oh well.
